Sunday, October 31, 2010
Safety suggestions when meeting spanking partners
Excerpt from RED TAILS Magazine ~ Issue 64 ~ Fall 2007
Dear C.P. Justice,
I recently posted an ad on an on-line site that features classified ads for guys who are into spanking – and was amazed that I actually got several responses from guys in my area who want to give me a bare-butt
spanking. I read their profiles and a couple of them sound pretty hot, but now I am wondering what I have gotten myself into. I am agreeing to meet with a total stranger who I know is going to strip off my clothes and hit me. What if he’s a psycho? I don’t want to be trapped with some Deranged Dad.
I know that guys do this all the time, but I’m suddenly afraid to actually go through with it. Do you have any suggestions for assuring my safety? Thanks in advance!
Safely Contacting A Rational Expert Disciplinarian
Dear SCARED,
I certainly understand your hesitation at going to a total stranger’s house to get spanked, but like you said yourself, guys do it all the time. Fear of the unknown is actually a very healthy attribute – and while guys “do it all the time”, I am sure that they have some uneasiness until they build a level of trust with the spanker that they are visiting. Or perhaps they have no trepidation - but can most likely relate some real horror stories of spankings-gone-awry.
As a top who hosts a lot of guys on a regular basis – a number of them from the internet sites – I always acknowledge the fact that if they weren’t a bit scared they wouldn’t be “normal”. That being said, here are some of the things that I, as a top, do to make guys (especially novices) more comfortable when we are planning the first of our sessions:
TALK ON THE TELEPHONE: Never commit to meeting someone through a computer keyboard. We all know that guys can lie about their age, looks, level of experience, post deceiving photos, and so on – but it’s much easier to judge a person’s demeanor and personality if you can conversationally chat with them. And I’m not talking about “on-line chat”. If they refuse to give you a telephone number – you need to refuse to meet with them.
And by “conversationally chat” I am talking about having a sane, cohesive conversation like you would have with any other friend. If they insist on only chatting “in character” where they describe what they are going to do to your butt, bark orders at you, make threats, or if they sound in the least bit abusive, it would be a very good idea to postpone any meetings with them until you know more about them. If they are unable to discuss your meeting as calm, sane, rational adults, you are probably setting yourself up for a very negative and possibly dangerous experience.
DISCUSS EACH OTHER’S EXPECTATIONS: Tell your potential spanker what you are looking to receive. Ask him what he is looking to give. Be overtly frank about what you enjoy (or think you would enjoy) regarding tools (hand, paddle, strap, brush, etc.) positions (over the knee, lying on a bed, grabbing ankles, etc.), how much you think you can take, any limitations or restrictions that you insist upon, and finally, how you would like the session to conclude (spanked to tears, spontaneous ejaculation, mutual masturbation,
calling a “safe-word”, etc.).
A word of caution, especially if you are very new to spanking: Fantasies and realities are two totally different worlds. You may “fantasize” about being spanked to tears – but really going there might prove way too much (at least at the present time) for your body. You might “fantasize” about cumming while being spanked – but in reality you might not even get an erection when it actually happens. In your discussion be sure that you
explain that this is what turns you on in your fantasies, but that you are new to the scene and that these are not demands or absolute expectations. Be open to spontaneity.
ASK FOR A REFERRAL: If big-bad-tops claim that they are spanking dozens of guys every week, ask for one of their regular “boys” to give you a call and vouch for the top. If the top refuses it should be considered a “red flag” – either they aren’t being honest, or they know that they are not going to receive a good recommendation. If they say that they don’t want to bother any of the guys they meet with – or that it would be an invasion of their privacy, remind them that a phone call is anonymous – and that if they are as good as they claim to be, certainly someone will be delighted to talk about their experiences to ease your
nerves.
If you do receive a referral call and you have “Caller ID” it would be a good idea to call that person back on another day and make sure that they are actually who they claimed to be.
DO A LITTLE RESEARCH: If you don’t feel comfortable asking for a referral, do a little sleuthing around the internet on your own. “Google” your spanker’s name and the city where he lives and see what you can find out about him. Check out his address as well. Search sites that match-up spanking and SM partners for his email address or nickname. Search MySpace or other such sites to see if he has a listing.
You can also post your own message to these boards, as well as Craigslist in your region, asking if anyone has gotten spanked by him or has information that they would be willing to share with you. Best of all, this type of research can be done anonymously.
TELL A FRIEND: When planning to meet with someone new, confide in a trusted friend about what you are planning to do, and give him all of the top’s contact information that you have.
If you have no one that you can trust, at the very least, leave a note at your home that explains your plans, who you are meeting (including his internet address) and where you are going to meet. If, heaven forbid, you do wind-up with a psycho who wants to hold you prisoner – or worse – at least the police will have some information to quickly locate you.
PLAN A MEETING: Plan to meet your potential spanker in a public place to chat over a cup of coffee or lunch. Make it very clear that this is strictly a preliminary meeting and that you are getting together to get to know each other – and that there will be no spanking on that day. Later, if you are both interested in exploring it further, you can plan to meetprivately for a spanking session. This allows either party the opportunity to “opt out” without any on-the-spot pressure.
In certain cases, where there is a long distance factor, or if they are just visiting your town on a business
trip, meeting on another day may not be possible. You should still plan to meet in a public location prior to your first spanking. In this case, make it very clear that either of you can opt out of the spanking at that meeting – and that will be end of it – no explanations are necessary. There should be no feelings of obligation to play if either party is not interested.
SMILE AT THE CAMERA: When planning your meeting (especially if you might be going home together), be sure to meet at a location that has video surveillance cameras. At some point, when your potential partner is next to you, wave at the camera and point to him. Later, if he should become abusive or threatening, explain that you have told a friend where you would be meeting – and that you would wave and point at the person that you were going to meet on the video camera and to turn that evidence over to the police. Most likely, this will instantly terminate your session.
And if you have a friend that you can confide in, actually do this!
NEVER CARPOOL: Always take your own car (or a cab) when driving to his place. Never meet at a restaurant and then agree to drive home together in his car. You need to have the ability to leave whenever you want to – and that includes before you ever get out of your car.
GET IT IN WRITING: In your correspondence, be sure that he gives you the actual address where you will get spanked. If the address changes, (as in “Follow my car…” and that address is different than the one he originally gave you) don’t bother stopping. Just drive home and send him an email explaining why you were not comfortable with meeting him.
NO-NO’S! Be up front with your new top and explain that there will be no bondage on your first few visits. Even if this is a turn-on for you, there will be plenty of time to explore that aspect of your fetish after he has gained your trust and you know that you are playing in a safe environment. Again, if he insists on it from the start, immediately terminate your meeting.
Let him know if you have any other rules regarding what tools are not to be used, specific sex acts that you won’t allow, personal limits, etc. It is far better to communicate these things up-front, rather than interrupting a session to explain them later.
ESTABLISH A SAFE WORD: Whenever meeting with a new partner, establish a “safe word” that will give you an escape if you are really not enjoying yourself. This word should be something easily remembered but nothing that might be misconstrued when uttered in the heat of the moment (such as “Stop”, “Time Out”, “Mercy!”, etc.).
USE SECRET CODES: If you have a cell-phone, arrange to have a friend call you once or twice during the time that you should be getting spanked – and let your spanker know that you are expecting an important call. Arrange several “code phrases” so that you can secretly communicate your status. A few examples are:
“I can’t talk right now,” means that everything is great and there is no need to call back.
“I’m busy at the moment. Can I call you back in an hour?” means I’m really not sure about this guy so call me back in 20 minutes.
“Oh, gosh! I’ll get there as fast as I can!” means that you want to get out of there – and if you are not home in a reasonable amount of time, call the cops.
TAKE YOUR TIME! When meeting with a new top, the biggest “red flag-of-all” is that they are impatient and insist on meeting immediately. A good spanker recognizes that new bottoms (especially first-timers) need to be as comfortable as possible and they need to take their time. Anyone who is unwilling to chat on the phone, give you a referral, or meet you in advance in a public place, is probably someone that you shouldn’t
be seeing so early in your spanking experience.
Spanking sessions between consenting adults must be enjoyable for both parties. If you are not comfortable with your partner, or if you feel that you have to keep your guard up – then you are not going to have as pleasurable an experience as you potentially could have.
FINALLY: I cannot offer any suggestion that will guarantee that every top you meet with will be totally safe, sane or pleasurable, but these suggestions will let your partner know that you are aware of the dangers of this kind of activity, and perhaps keep them in line. Over time you will naturally build-up a trust factor, but especially when you are first starting out, take whatever time and precautions you must, to maximize the possibility that your meeting will be not only safe, but totally satisfying!
C. P. Justice
Dear C.P. Justice,
I recently posted an ad on an on-line site that features classified ads for guys who are into spanking – and was amazed that I actually got several responses from guys in my area who want to give me a bare-butt
spanking. I read their profiles and a couple of them sound pretty hot, but now I am wondering what I have gotten myself into. I am agreeing to meet with a total stranger who I know is going to strip off my clothes and hit me. What if he’s a psycho? I don’t want to be trapped with some Deranged Dad.
I know that guys do this all the time, but I’m suddenly afraid to actually go through with it. Do you have any suggestions for assuring my safety? Thanks in advance!
Safely Contacting A Rational Expert Disciplinarian
Dear SCARED,
I certainly understand your hesitation at going to a total stranger’s house to get spanked, but like you said yourself, guys do it all the time. Fear of the unknown is actually a very healthy attribute – and while guys “do it all the time”, I am sure that they have some uneasiness until they build a level of trust with the spanker that they are visiting. Or perhaps they have no trepidation - but can most likely relate some real horror stories of spankings-gone-awry.
As a top who hosts a lot of guys on a regular basis – a number of them from the internet sites – I always acknowledge the fact that if they weren’t a bit scared they wouldn’t be “normal”. That being said, here are some of the things that I, as a top, do to make guys (especially novices) more comfortable when we are planning the first of our sessions:
TALK ON THE TELEPHONE: Never commit to meeting someone through a computer keyboard. We all know that guys can lie about their age, looks, level of experience, post deceiving photos, and so on – but it’s much easier to judge a person’s demeanor and personality if you can conversationally chat with them. And I’m not talking about “on-line chat”. If they refuse to give you a telephone number – you need to refuse to meet with them.
And by “conversationally chat” I am talking about having a sane, cohesive conversation like you would have with any other friend. If they insist on only chatting “in character” where they describe what they are going to do to your butt, bark orders at you, make threats, or if they sound in the least bit abusive, it would be a very good idea to postpone any meetings with them until you know more about them. If they are unable to discuss your meeting as calm, sane, rational adults, you are probably setting yourself up for a very negative and possibly dangerous experience.
DISCUSS EACH OTHER’S EXPECTATIONS: Tell your potential spanker what you are looking to receive. Ask him what he is looking to give. Be overtly frank about what you enjoy (or think you would enjoy) regarding tools (hand, paddle, strap, brush, etc.) positions (over the knee, lying on a bed, grabbing ankles, etc.), how much you think you can take, any limitations or restrictions that you insist upon, and finally, how you would like the session to conclude (spanked to tears, spontaneous ejaculation, mutual masturbation,
calling a “safe-word”, etc.).
A word of caution, especially if you are very new to spanking: Fantasies and realities are two totally different worlds. You may “fantasize” about being spanked to tears – but really going there might prove way too much (at least at the present time) for your body. You might “fantasize” about cumming while being spanked – but in reality you might not even get an erection when it actually happens. In your discussion be sure that you
explain that this is what turns you on in your fantasies, but that you are new to the scene and that these are not demands or absolute expectations. Be open to spontaneity.
ASK FOR A REFERRAL: If big-bad-tops claim that they are spanking dozens of guys every week, ask for one of their regular “boys” to give you a call and vouch for the top. If the top refuses it should be considered a “red flag” – either they aren’t being honest, or they know that they are not going to receive a good recommendation. If they say that they don’t want to bother any of the guys they meet with – or that it would be an invasion of their privacy, remind them that a phone call is anonymous – and that if they are as good as they claim to be, certainly someone will be delighted to talk about their experiences to ease your
nerves.
If you do receive a referral call and you have “Caller ID” it would be a good idea to call that person back on another day and make sure that they are actually who they claimed to be.
DO A LITTLE RESEARCH: If you don’t feel comfortable asking for a referral, do a little sleuthing around the internet on your own. “Google” your spanker’s name and the city where he lives and see what you can find out about him. Check out his address as well. Search sites that match-up spanking and SM partners for his email address or nickname. Search MySpace or other such sites to see if he has a listing.
You can also post your own message to these boards, as well as Craigslist in your region, asking if anyone has gotten spanked by him or has information that they would be willing to share with you. Best of all, this type of research can be done anonymously.
TELL A FRIEND: When planning to meet with someone new, confide in a trusted friend about what you are planning to do, and give him all of the top’s contact information that you have.
If you have no one that you can trust, at the very least, leave a note at your home that explains your plans, who you are meeting (including his internet address) and where you are going to meet. If, heaven forbid, you do wind-up with a psycho who wants to hold you prisoner – or worse – at least the police will have some information to quickly locate you.
PLAN A MEETING: Plan to meet your potential spanker in a public place to chat over a cup of coffee or lunch. Make it very clear that this is strictly a preliminary meeting and that you are getting together to get to know each other – and that there will be no spanking on that day. Later, if you are both interested in exploring it further, you can plan to meetprivately for a spanking session. This allows either party the opportunity to “opt out” without any on-the-spot pressure.
In certain cases, where there is a long distance factor, or if they are just visiting your town on a business
trip, meeting on another day may not be possible. You should still plan to meet in a public location prior to your first spanking. In this case, make it very clear that either of you can opt out of the spanking at that meeting – and that will be end of it – no explanations are necessary. There should be no feelings of obligation to play if either party is not interested.
SMILE AT THE CAMERA: When planning your meeting (especially if you might be going home together), be sure to meet at a location that has video surveillance cameras. At some point, when your potential partner is next to you, wave at the camera and point to him. Later, if he should become abusive or threatening, explain that you have told a friend where you would be meeting – and that you would wave and point at the person that you were going to meet on the video camera and to turn that evidence over to the police. Most likely, this will instantly terminate your session.
And if you have a friend that you can confide in, actually do this!
NEVER CARPOOL: Always take your own car (or a cab) when driving to his place. Never meet at a restaurant and then agree to drive home together in his car. You need to have the ability to leave whenever you want to – and that includes before you ever get out of your car.
GET IT IN WRITING: In your correspondence, be sure that he gives you the actual address where you will get spanked. If the address changes, (as in “Follow my car…” and that address is different than the one he originally gave you) don’t bother stopping. Just drive home and send him an email explaining why you were not comfortable with meeting him.
NO-NO’S! Be up front with your new top and explain that there will be no bondage on your first few visits. Even if this is a turn-on for you, there will be plenty of time to explore that aspect of your fetish after he has gained your trust and you know that you are playing in a safe environment. Again, if he insists on it from the start, immediately terminate your meeting.
Let him know if you have any other rules regarding what tools are not to be used, specific sex acts that you won’t allow, personal limits, etc. It is far better to communicate these things up-front, rather than interrupting a session to explain them later.
ESTABLISH A SAFE WORD: Whenever meeting with a new partner, establish a “safe word” that will give you an escape if you are really not enjoying yourself. This word should be something easily remembered but nothing that might be misconstrued when uttered in the heat of the moment (such as “Stop”, “Time Out”, “Mercy!”, etc.).
USE SECRET CODES: If you have a cell-phone, arrange to have a friend call you once or twice during the time that you should be getting spanked – and let your spanker know that you are expecting an important call. Arrange several “code phrases” so that you can secretly communicate your status. A few examples are:
“I can’t talk right now,” means that everything is great and there is no need to call back.
“I’m busy at the moment. Can I call you back in an hour?” means I’m really not sure about this guy so call me back in 20 minutes.
“Oh, gosh! I’ll get there as fast as I can!” means that you want to get out of there – and if you are not home in a reasonable amount of time, call the cops.
TAKE YOUR TIME! When meeting with a new top, the biggest “red flag-of-all” is that they are impatient and insist on meeting immediately. A good spanker recognizes that new bottoms (especially first-timers) need to be as comfortable as possible and they need to take their time. Anyone who is unwilling to chat on the phone, give you a referral, or meet you in advance in a public place, is probably someone that you shouldn’t
be seeing so early in your spanking experience.
Spanking sessions between consenting adults must be enjoyable for both parties. If you are not comfortable with your partner, or if you feel that you have to keep your guard up – then you are not going to have as pleasurable an experience as you potentially could have.
FINALLY: I cannot offer any suggestion that will guarantee that every top you meet with will be totally safe, sane or pleasurable, but these suggestions will let your partner know that you are aware of the dangers of this kind of activity, and perhaps keep them in line. Over time you will naturally build-up a trust factor, but especially when you are first starting out, take whatever time and precautions you must, to maximize the possibility that your meeting will be not only safe, but totally satisfying!
C. P. Justice
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